I transcribed this voice recording from the other night of something that had been on my mind. It’s not perfect grammatically, it’s a little bit of a run-on… everywhere. I didn’t realize how much I said “like”, but I digress. I think this has value. Hope you find kindness for yourself in here.
**Italicized was added when writing, not in the original voice recording
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I’ve gained weight. Period. End of sentence. That is a full and complete sentence. And there are two main things that have stuck out to me.
The challenge to remind myself of the value that I hold regardless of how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror has been enlightening. Like I am frustrated with the way that I look in the mirror and the way that I am feeling in clothes and like my body doesn't feel like itself as much like when you're a little heavier (and when I say that I’ve gained weight I don’t even know, like I don’t weigh myself) but I visibly can tell that I look different and my clothes fit different and I don't feel as confident. And I think there is something to be said for being confident in the body that you’re in no matter what, but I know that I am more confident when I am healthier. But that is not the point of this. The point is that it's actually been kind of enjoyable to like look within and be like what am I good at? What are my talents? What do I enjoy? What are my hobbies? How am I reflecting God’s character in ways that aren’t involving my appearance (which shouldn’t matter, like at all)? What makes me such a valuable asset to the world, to my family, to my boyfriend, to my friends, like regardless of the outfits I can style and the pictures I can take and the clothes that I can wear. Iit has been hard though, having horrible self talk like when I look in the mirror and I’m like “oh my gosh, you are a fucking fatzo” ya know? Which isn't true. Even if I am a little bit fat, whatever. I’ll change it. But like, just reminding myself of the value that I have regardless of the weight that I am has kind of been unexpected and I am not mad about it.
The other thing that has stuck out to me the most, the comments from people. I am very perceptive and I am very intuitive.. I guess that is the complimentary word for it. I can tell people’s thoughts about a thing very easily. Backstory, I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I wasn’t eating, I was stressed, I just didn't eat. I wasn’t eating. For like 8 months probably. Like a bag of chips here and there, was working out, wasn’t eating. Lost a lot of weight. The way that people treated me and interacted with me on social media and in real life and then also the comments that I would get verbally, from my family and friends, and then also on social media… they were just different.
“Wow, you look SO good.”
“I know we aren't supposed to comment but Madi you look so good.”
“oh my god skinny!!!”
“SKINNY”
“Idk what you have been doing but keep it up. You look good girl.” (The problem with this is that you don’t know what people have been doing… so maybe don’t encourage bad behavior if you aren’t sure of their weight loss method. These kinds of comments fueled me when I thought about eating and bullied myself into not)
[Now they are] Nonexistent. And I guess that hurts if I think about it, but it's also true. The silence is speaking louder than the comments. It's like affirming and reaffirming the fact that I have gained weight. So, like, being skinny - unhealthily - gave me a perspective on “pretty privilege” -- And I am not saying I was a supermodel or anything -- but the way that people did interact with me and especially on social media… -- I am not saying people like stopped me in the grocery store for my autograph or anything, I am not being dramatic -- but the comments people made and the way that my ego (and eating disorder) could have been easily inflated constantly was much more consistent. And then now I just don't get comments like that from anyone. My family, my friends, social media. (Disclaimer: my bf isn’t included in this category because we have a super healthy, communicative relationship on comments/food/exercise and he makes me feel beautiful all of the time, regardless.)
But like, whatever. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have any value. (And I actually mean that) It just is giving me a really, really, really interesting perspective on what I say to my friends, what I say to people around me, and just like the comments man, they really matter. The little small comments that we say to the people around us, our family and friends, our partners, our siblings, our loved ones of any kind, like, our words matter so much. And I just want to listen more than I speak and I just want to be so conscious of the things that I say with my friends and people I care about because I never want something that I say offhandedly without thinking about it to leave a mark on someone's soul.
The other thing is like, I've gained weight. And? I am just gonna get back to it. I am just going to get back to me. I don’t have to hate myself... I don't have to punish myself. Wow, I don’t have to hate myself. Why do I feel like I have to hate myself? I can get back to a healthy lifestyle. I mean I have been exercising, it's more my food intake. I don’t have to have an eating disorder -- well that is a bold statement, I’ve had eating disorders in the past so I know that it’s not that easy -- I don’t GIVE my mind the permission to go back to that place. And it's interesting because by saying that, I feel weak. Like oh my gosh, you are so weak that you can’t starve yourself. You can’t do it. You aren’t strong enough to starve yourself to be thin again. It's crazy that I have that thought. But I am not going to give myself the permission to BULLY myself into being skinny. And I’m kinda proud of myself but I also feel weak, it’s very weird.
I’m gonna get back to the way that I like, well, I wanna say “back to” but I don’t really know what I mean by that because I was like, starving and anxious, then kinda normal, but never fully healthy. And then just the relationship weight gained on, and binging happened again so what is my healthy? What IS healthy? I loved intermittent fasting so I am going to do that again. It was perfect for me and I loved it. And fueling my body with whole foods and nutrients so I am giving myself what I need to fuel myself for all of my exercise that I am doing. And to just feel GOOD about myself and to not fill my body with crap and toxins and processed foods and things i don't need. But like, I am gonna do it and it’s not a huge deal. It doesn't need to be. It shouldn’t be.
And then another subset of this is like I am not waiting until January 1st. You don't have to wait until January 1st or the beginning of a new month or whatever to start feeling better. And like, what are we calling this? We aren’t starting new. Because I don’t hate myself and I don’t have to hate myself. I am just, idk, getting better? Being better? Doing better? It’s not “better”; well I mean yeah I guess it is because I don't want to be unrealistic to the fact that like I have been eating poorly and I’ve been treating my body poorly when it comes to the food intake whether it’s the type of food or the amount of food… idk just healthy lifestyle. And I know that a healthy lifestyle means something different to everyone, but whatever that means to me… Healthy lifestyle. Like life. I guess I just want it to be life.
But yea.